It seems as though I can't seem to shake baby fever. I find myself thinking about babies all the time. I especially get really excited thinking about being pregnant again. I really enjoyed it so much! Once I stopped throwing up multiple times a day for 13 weeks, I felt great! I loved feeling her move, I loved watching her move in our ultrasounds, and believe it or not I would go through labor again in a heartbeat. (I think there's some magical chemical released a few weeks after you give birth that makes you forget how unbelievably painful and grueling it really is...)
But, there is a logical side to me that says "NO! Wait! Wait until Eisley is at least 2 before you even start trying!" I definitely don't want to put ourselves in a situation where we have 2 very young kids while Craig is still finishing school, trying to pay off more debt, and before he finds a permanent job. It would just be irresponsible of us. I know that. But all of that logical thinking doesn't stop my heart from tearing up every time I see a newborn or thinking about what we would name a boy if we had one.
The idea of being pregnant again excites me because I have a new chance to do things differently than I did with our daughter. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I've royally screwed her up or regret everything up to this point. She has turned out marvelously and I believe every little struggle we have gone through happened exactly the way it was supposed to happen. God doesn't make mistakes. I feel like as a first time mom, I was so scared about EVERYTHING. Especially in the hospital. As soon as I saw her sweet little face my immediate thought was "Oh my gosh. She's here!" I was overcome with love and the urge to protect her. I wanted her on my chest so I could keep her warm and make her feel safe. Once she was laying on me my next thought was "Oh my gosh. I'm terrified." This was my child. She was created inside of me. I had this deep emotional connection to her, but I was scared to death that I wouldn't know how to comfort her, soothe her when she cries, and that my motherly instincts would fail me. I later became so stressed with breastfeeding that I wasn't able to relax and just enjoy that she was here, happy and healthy. Honestly, I know all of those feelings are normal.
Also, when it came to labor I was equally as terrified. When those first real contractions started, I was so scared. I kept thinking, "There's no way I can do this for much longer. I'm going to DIE!" A lot of that stemmed from me not knowing what to do when I got a contraction. I freaked out. I tensed up. I held my breath. I was contorting and writhing all over the floor. If I would have taken a birthing class of some kind, I may have remembered some different positions that might have helped ease the pain. Again, I was just scared.
All of this is why, if/when we get pregnant with #2, I feel like I will be a lot more open to all of the changes. I will prepare myself during my pregnancy by taking as many classes as I can. I just want to know more than I knew the first time...
I really want to have a natural birth. I don't want to be so scared of the pain. I want to embrace it, work through it and prove to myself that I can do it. I was made to give birth. Once I do give birth, I want the baby with me as much as possible. I want h or she to just lay there with us for as long as we so choose. No nurses poking/prodding/rubbing the baby if everything medically seems okay with the him or her. Also, we sent Eisley to the nursery for a few hours on our first night because we were so exhausted. She did sleep a lot, but I was so worried she would stop breathing or she would cry and I wouldn't hear her. I felt so guilty, looking back that we sent her to the nursery. With #2, he/she will stay with us the entire time...for everything. I didn't know my options. I didn't know I could ask for more time. I didn't know I could ask to be present during everything they needed to do.
I'm determined to make breastfeeding work. I feel that it would have worked out with Eisley if I had more knowledge about it [I plan on doing a separate blog post on why breastfeeding didn't work for us]. I will give it all I have. I will ask for help when things get hard. When we struggled with getting her latched on (and staying latched on) my husband suggested that Eisley and I meet with a lactation consultant at our hospital. I called to asked how that worked and was informed that for a 30 minute session there would be a $50 fee. Fifty bucks?! I couldn't believe it. I refused to pay $50 to have someone watch me (try to) breastfeed and give me their opinion. In retrospect, what's $50? That could have saved our breastfeeding relationship. Again, mommy guilt consumes me every time I think about breastfeeding. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!! Sorry, I had to say it out loud.
I plan on purchasing some form of co-sleeper bed so that the baby is literally right next to me at night. I'm thinking The Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper will be our best bet. I won't have to obsessively hop up in the middle of the night to make sure the baby didn't forget how to breathe (I was seriously so scared of that with Eisley, I'm not sure why...) Feedings will also become easier if I am breastfeeding. The whole thing just makes perfect sense to me!
I also want to wear my baby waaaaay more than I did with Eisley. We only had a Moby Wrap, which was great but pretty time consuming to wrap, especially when you have a screaming baby that just wants to be close. I really want an ErgoBaby carrier. It seems simple and convenient when out and about. Plus when I have 2 kids, wearing the baby while chasing Eisley will give me a chance to be hands free at times.
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All of this makes me so excited for when we are ready to add to our family. No, not anytime soon. But it will happen when it's supposed to happen. I'm enjoying life with my husband and daughter and I'm enjoying every minute of it!
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