A Great end to a GREAT Week!

 It was a very rare week for us here. Craig had the entire week off of work! That NEVER happens! It was beautiful. Eisley and I were spoiled having him here everyday. She loved having someone else to hang out with other than me. I think she gets bored when it's just me. Daddy is the fun cool one.

Since moving back home we have definitely been taking advantage of all our city has to offer. We are literally a 15-20 minute drive to everything! We are only about a 10 minute drive from this cute little town that has tons of cute shops, park, and restaurants. We go there often usually just to walk around and take it all in. I am so thankful to be where we are. I feel like we have come full circle and we get to raise our daughter near where Craig and I grew up. It's pretty special.

We decided to take some pictures of Eisley at the park today. I was slacking taking her official 10 month pictures so I decided to make today's pictures her "10 Month" pictures. That turned out amazing. I may be a little bias but goodness gracious is my daughter  freaking beautiful or what?! I still have to pinch myself sometimes that this gorgeous little firecracker is ours. How blessed are we...?

Doing Things Differently (Next time around...)

It seems as though I can't seem to shake baby fever. I find myself thinking about babies all the time. I especially get really excited thinking about being pregnant again. I really enjoyed it so much! Once I stopped throwing up multiple times a day for 13 weeks, I felt great! I loved feeling her move, I loved watching her move in our ultrasounds, and believe it or not I would go through labor again in a heartbeat. (I think there's some magical chemical released a few weeks after you give birth that makes you forget how unbelievably painful and grueling it really is...)

But, there is a logical side to me that says "NO! Wait! Wait until Eisley is at least 2 before you even start trying!" I definitely don't want to put ourselves in a situation where we have 2 very young kids while Craig is still finishing school, trying to pay off more debt, and before he finds a permanent job. It would just be irresponsible of us. I know that. But all of that logical thinking doesn't stop my heart from tearing up every time I see a newborn or thinking about what we would name a boy if we had one.

The idea of being pregnant again excites me because I have a new chance to do things differently than I did with our daughter. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I've royally screwed her up or regret everything up to this point. She has turned out marvelously and I believe every little struggle we have gone through happened exactly the way it was supposed to happen. God doesn't make mistakes. I feel like as a first time mom, I was so scared about EVERYTHING. Especially in the hospital. As soon as I saw her sweet little face my immediate thought was "Oh my gosh. She's here!" I was overcome with love and the urge to protect her. I wanted her on my chest so I could keep her warm and make her feel safe. Once she was laying on me my next thought was "Oh my gosh. I'm terrified." This was my child. She was created inside of me. I had this deep emotional connection to her, but I was scared to death that I wouldn't know how to comfort her, soothe her when she cries, and that my motherly instincts would fail me. I later became so stressed with breastfeeding that I wasn't able to relax and just enjoy that she was here, happy and healthy. Honestly, I know all of those feelings are normal.

Also, when it came to labor I was equally as terrified. When those first real contractions started, I was so scared. I kept thinking, "There's no way I can do this for much longer. I'm going to DIE!" A lot of that stemmed from me not knowing what to do when I got a contraction. I freaked out. I tensed up. I held my breath. I was contorting and writhing all over the floor. If I would have taken a birthing class of some kind, I may have remembered some different positions that might have helped ease the pain. Again, I was just scared.

All of this is why, if/when we get pregnant with #2, I feel like I will be a lot more open to all of the changes. I will prepare myself during my pregnancy by taking as many classes as I can. I just want to know more than I knew the first time...

I really want to have a natural birth. I don't want to be so scared of the pain. I want to embrace it, work through it and prove to myself that I can do it. I was made to give birth. Once I do give birth, I want the baby with me as much as possible. I want h or she to just lay there with us for as long as we so choose. No nurses poking/prodding/rubbing the baby if everything medically seems okay with the him or her.  Also, we sent Eisley to the nursery for a few hours on our first night because we were so exhausted. She did sleep a lot, but I was so worried she would stop breathing or she would cry and I wouldn't hear her. I felt so guilty, looking back that we sent her to the nursery. With #2, he/she will stay with us the entire time...for everything. I didn't know my options. I didn't know I could ask for more time. I didn't know I could ask to be present during everything they needed to do.

I'm determined to make breastfeeding work. I feel that it would have worked out with Eisley if I had more knowledge about it [I plan on doing a separate blog post on why breastfeeding didn't work for us]. I will give it all I have. I will ask for help when things get hard. When we struggled with getting her latched on (and staying latched on) my husband suggested that Eisley and I meet with a lactation consultant at our hospital. I called to asked how that worked and was informed that for a 30 minute session there would be a $50 fee. Fifty bucks?! I couldn't believe it. I refused to pay $50 to have someone watch me (try to) breastfeed and give me their opinion. In retrospect, what's $50? That could have saved our breastfeeding relationship. Again, mommy guilt consumes me every time I think about breastfeeding. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!! Sorry, I had to say it out loud.

I plan on purchasing some form of co-sleeper bed so that the baby is literally right next to me at night. I'm thinking The Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper will be our best bet. I won't have to obsessively hop up in the middle of the night to make sure the baby didn't forget how to breathe (I was seriously so scared of that with Eisley, I'm not sure why...) Feedings will also become easier if I am breastfeeding. The whole thing just makes perfect sense to me!

I also want to wear my baby waaaaay more than I did with Eisley. We only had a Moby Wrap, which was great but pretty time consuming to wrap, especially when you have a screaming baby that just wants to be close. I really want an ErgoBaby carrier. It seems simple and convenient when out and about. Plus when I have 2 kids, wearing the baby while chasing Eisley will give me a chance to be hands free at times.

...........

All of this makes me so excited for when we are ready to add to our family. No, not anytime soon. But it will happen when it's supposed to happen. I'm enjoying life with my husband and daughter and I'm enjoying every minute of it!

Victory is ours!

This past week has been quite victorious for us parents.

I'm almost tempted not to write this, in fear of jinxing the progress we've made.

Let me explain...

For the past 10 months of Eisley's life, I have had to get her to sleep. We have our routine of diaper change, sound machine, bottle and then rocking/swaying until she falls asleep in my arms. It was starting to wear me out. Especially when I knew she was ready for a nap and she would try to wiggle out of my arms and throw her pacifier on the ground. There were days when we would try 4 or 5 times before she eventually gave up. Not to mention, she's a giant. Well, not really but she's succeeded the 20 pound mark so all the swaying I would do was killing my back.

Needless to say, I felt stuck. I envied moms that would simply lay their child in their crib when it was time for a nap or bedtime. I wanted that so badly. But I didn't quite know how to go about it. I didn't want to let her scream and cry for hours until she ultimately just gave up and assumed I didn't love her anymore. After letting my mom know my frustrations, she suggested I should stick with my normal naptime/bedtime routine and then just lay her down, let her know she's ok, and walk away. I got a nervous feeling in my stomach when she said that. It pains me to hear her cry. Even if I know she's just complaining and not in any real pain, I still can't bear to hear it.

So that night we tried it. At first I would let her cry for 5 minutes and then go back in and lay her down, give her the pacifier (and a little blanket we introduced for comfort), tell her it's time for bed and walk back out. It went on for about 35 minutes until she eventually plopped down face first into the crib and didn't make another peep until morning. The next night it was basically the same thing. For her nap time 2 days after we started this, I laid her in the crib, walked out and she only cried for 5 minutes and passed out. I was in shock. I texted my mom, my mother-in-law and Craig and told them about this glorious feat. She did it! She put herself to sleep! MY daughter put herself to sleep after 1o months of depending on me (and only me) to get her to sleep.

I don't feel stuck anymore. She consistently gets herself to sleep now. She's only hysterical for a few minutes (which seem like an eternity watching her sad little face on the monitor). A month ago, I was so anti "cry-it-out". But I do believe there's a right way and a wrong way to do things. The amount of time she cries to decreasing, so I know she's learning that this is the new way of going to sleep. She didn't cry until the point of throwing up or scream bloody murder for hours on end. If I felt like this wasn't working for us, we would have been back to our old routine. I feel as though she is old enough to realize that I'll be back when it's time to wake up. When she wakes up, she's still a very happy girl.

I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief and feel like we made a tough parenting decision, and it's working out for the best. She has also stopped waking up a night just for me to rock her back to sleep. That would take a few hours sometimes, so I'm thankful for that. Life as a parent is all about learning as you go and doing what's best for your child. I feel successful. :)

Who I am (currently) as a Mommy...

As I write this, my daughter is 3 days away from being 10 months old. Looking back, I can't believe how much I have changed in the last 10 months. Obviously our entire world was flipped upside down the day she entered this world, but what has also changed is who we are as people. As each day goes on, I am becoming more confident in my role as mommy. Yes, there are moments and even entire days when I feel like I'm not being the best mom I can be... [especially when a certain child refuses to nap, we both end up crying] For the most part, I feel like a good mom.

When she was born, I felt lost. How will I know what she needs? What if I choice I make screws her up forever? My husband and I were solely responsible for her survival. I was overwhelmed and obviously not very confident. As each day came and went, I learned more about my daughter and the person she was. We figured out this new life together.

I try not to beat myself up for things that happened early on and realize that everything happens for a reason. God gives me these little challenges to help me grow. I would pray for strength, for patience, for wisdom... At times I feel like He wasn't listening. He was, I just needed to realize that it takes time to learn how to be a parent. Eisley is constantly changing and I've learned that I have to adapt to that. Just when we get into a routine, something changes and our routine isn't working anymore is when I feel the weakest. Again, I just pray for strength.

With each day, comes a new challenge. I'm not a perfect parent, nor will I ever be. I'm me. Mommy to Eisley, wife to Craig. I have my flaws and I'm trying to realize what they are instead of refusing to believe they exist. All in all, I am extremely thankful for everything that has happened in the past 10 months... good and bad. I can't wait to see what the next 10 months will bring.

[caption id="attachment_494" align="aligncenter" width="575"] My crazy little bean![/caption]

A Quick Update

Long time, no blog.

There has been SO MUCH going on with our little family lately!

We officially moved into our new home and could not be more happy. No more apartment living for us! We live in a quiet, safe little neighborhood in a house that is all ours. We're like real adults now! As soon as we moved in and got settled me and my husband became obsessed with our own house projects. He works on the overall structure projects of the house (landscaping, fixing, painting) and I am constantly seeing new ways to decorate a room or how I envision everything eventually looking. It will all come together with time.

As for little miss Eisley...

Well, her 9th month has been a big one for all of us! She now has 3 teeth (working on the 4th) and has been crawling up a storm. Just like every other milestone, something just clicks one day. It started with a quick little shuffle of her knees and then the next day she was officially crawling! She is so fast now! She is also pulling up on everything! I'm quickly learning that I was not prepared for this. The living room is not 100% baby proofed yet so I'm running after her, pulling her away from things she can't have and redirecting her focus. Baby fits have become more frequent as well, due to constantly being taken away from things. Thankfully, my husband has several days off work so our goal is to get our spare bedroom and the living room baby proofed! Eisley also had her 9 month checkup a week ago and I'm happy to say we LOVE her new pediatrician! This is her 3rd (due to moving so much) and she is definitely a keeper. It's very comforting to feel connected with your child's doctor and not like you are a bother to them or their staff (like we did with her previous doctor). Miss E is 20lbs 9oz and 28 1/2 in long! She was charming everyone she met there with her smile and silly noises. We were also told to start transitioning her slowly into a more toddler diet. I cannot believe we are all ready at that point! I think we overwhelmed her poor tummy the next day because we were excited for her to start trying some finger foods. She had some pancakes for breakfast, avocado for lunch and carrots, broccoli and shredded cheese for dinner. Lesson learned, take it slower! We have discovered that she LOVES puffs! They are a great thing to use while we are eating, so she is focused in picking them up and not what's not our plate. Her pincher grip has improved so much and she's become quite the little expert at picking up small pieces of food.

I have a feeling she will start walking next month. We have this little walker/toy and she can push across the living room without our assistance anymore. This little girl is just growing up so fast! I'm excited to see what the last few months of her 1st year have in store for us!