5 Confessions

1. I'm a great singer, but I don't sing.  I lost my voice. No, not my speaking voice, my singing voice. From the time I was 5 and discovered my love for music, singing was something I couldn't go a day without doing. I used to sing in my room for hours. Whether they were songs I had made up or belting out my favorite popular tunes, I loved that feeling of raising my voice in a beautiful tone and discovering just how far my range could go. But over the years, I never really felt comfortable singing in front of other people. From a young age, my singing seemed to be more of a nuisance to those around me. Never once did anyone say (aside from a couple close friends) that I sounded good. And no, it's not because I sound terrible. I AM a good singer! So naturally, I felt embarrassed by my voice.  Even now I'm embarrassed to sing in front of my husband… the person who I'm most vulnerable with. I really want to change this shame into pride. Especially now that I have my own daughter, I never want to make her feel ashamed of herself. I plan on singing to her and encouraging her to sing with me. No matter how loud or off key her singing may be someday, I vow to never make her feel ashamed of expressing herself.

 

2. I'm too lazy to be creative. Sounds pretty ridiculous, right? Well, it is. I've considered myself an artist since I was little. To be specific, it was when I won 1st place at my first art fair in kindergarten. Throughout my life, I was praised for my artistic ability. In high school and then a short time in college I got to explore my ability even more taking quite a range of art classes. But now, at the age of 23 I honestly can't remember the last time I drew/painted/assembled anything remotely creative.  Why do you ask?  It's just pure laziness mixed with a fear of not being good enough… for myself. I'm my own worst critic. Plus I have a little OCD which makes actually finishing a project that I'm 100% proud of nearly impossible. I feel like I have all this creativity and original ideas tucked away in the back of my mind, but I don't have the energy to bring them to reality. Again, maybe my daughter will save me from my creative rut. Once she's 2 or 3 we'll start doing little projects everyday. Maybe that will get my creative juices flowing and well as seeing if she inherited my artistic ability. Only time will tell.

 

3. I fear the future. What I mean is that I worry about all the unknowns in my life. Where we will be in five years... How many kids we'll have... Will we experience any major heartbreaks in the foreseeable future... Will my kids hate me when they're older? I know life isn't perfect, and it will never be. I just can't seem to stress about life and wondering if we'll ever truly we content. I guess I need to just keep praying for peace. It's all in God's hands. I can't control how our life unfolds. I just want to look back at my life in 20 years and see all the fond, wonderful, POSITIVE memories and experiences and not always ask, "What if?"

 

4. I want another baby. GASP! I know, why on earth am I thinking about this now?! My daughter is ONLY 3 months old. You tell me. I can't really explain the feelings that I have. Before I got pregnant with Eisley and even while I was pregnant, if you would have asked me, "When do you think you want to TRY for baby #2?" I would have said, "Probably when she's 1 1/2 - 2 years old..." You know, when most people start thinking about giving their baby a brother or sister. But there's just this desire inside of me to go through pregnancy, labor and delivery, and bringing another sweet baby into this world, sooner rather than later. My husband is very leery about this idea. He wants to wait until we pay off more debt, maybe live in a 3 bedroom apartment or house, just have time to enjoy only having one child for at least a couple years. I totally get where he's coming from. But still, these feelings remain. I guess I'll just push them deep down [at least until her 1st birthday ;) ]

 

5. I want a lot of tattoos. By a lot, I mean maybe 5. I don't have a very high pain tolerance but I LOVE the looks of tattoos. I have one. The word "faithful" on my wrist that I got on our honeymoon. My husband has 7. You also have to have money to get tattoos. Oh yeah, and some sort of idea of what you want. I'll just keep dreaming until I can think of some.